The following is a post by guest blogger Dan Jacobs, director of Marketing for Via Christi Health.
From birth my daughter has been strong-minded and argumentative. For example, at age two I recall her calmly and logically explaining that removing her from a swing would result in her screaming. Now that she is a teenager, she has grown out of tantrums but still often argues about rules and expectations. That’s why I was glad to hear a story on NPR discussing why teenagers who argue and talk back may be just honing skills for a bright future.
According to researchers from the University of Virginia, arguments between parents and teenagers – if handled appropriately – may provide critical training on how to disagree. It’s the quality of the argument that makes the difference. Teaching children to argue calmly and persuasively is an important life lesson for dealing with partners, friends and colleagues later on in life.
Joseph P. Allen, the psychologist who headed the study, explained that teens who learned to be calm, confident, persuasive with their parents acted the same way when they were with their peers. This was an important skill for saying ‘no’ when offered alcohol or drugs. According to his research, these teens are 40 percent more likely to say ‘no’ than kids who didn’t argue with their parents.
The best thing we can do as parents is to listen to our teenagers and help teach them how to argue effectively. So the next time my daughter obstinately expresses her dissatisfaction, I plan on using her argumentative nature as a mini life lesson.
Thank you Dan, NPR and Dr. Allen. I have often said that some of the traits we dislike in our children are actually beneficial to them as adults. So let the independence and arguing continue.
An argument is like pushing a boulder down a hill. It only goes faster, gaining momentum. It takes a strong person to stand up and stop the argument before it goes any further. In the case of parents and argumentative teens, parents should take on the role of the stronger person. It’s not always easy, but it goes a long way in preventing a charged and stressful environment at home.